Today, I wanted to practice lacing my new corset in the hopes I could wear it for playtime this weekend. When I took it out, I realized the stupid sales girl forgot to put the directions in the bag.
No big deal, I thought, it’s just some leather and laces–how difficult could it be?
Now I know. It’s fucking difficult.
After my first attempt, I ended up with one of the laces hanging so loose I could have tripped on it, and the other lace wrapped around my shoulder.
After watching several way-too-long instructional videos, I finally came to understand the key to the process–the order and direction in which to tighten the laces. It made sense, in theory.
Fast forward through at least twenty minutes of me with my arms wrenched behind me, spinning stupidly left and right in front of a mirror trying to see what was going on behind my back. For the record, no one is “fast enough” to be able to “catch” a glimpse of their own back in a mirror. Of course my brain knows this, but I found myself trying to do it anyway.
On the internet, I read about a trick some ladies use to self-tighten their corsets. They loop the free ends around a doorknob–it keeps them out of the way while they tighten the rest of the lacing.
So, I looped the laces around a doorknob. Fast forward through more spinning (although considerably less, seeing as how any spinning would wind me towards the door like a yo-yo), more cursing, and more tangles…
Long story short, I tied myself to the doorknob. Yep. I did.
The laces tangled around the knob and I was stuck too close to the door to be able to turn around and work it loose. And of course without a mirror, I couldn’t see it. I swear the laces slip-knotted themselves or something–whenever I got it loosened and turned a little to see it, the tangle just tightened up again.
Twenty minutes later, somewhere between laughing and crying, I finally freed myself. Actually, I don’t really know how long it really took because I couldn’t see a clock from where I was stuck.
I took it off and threw it in the back of my closet.
Fucking overcomplicated death trap.