Aug 222011

I hate shopping with all of my heart. I stumbled around the mall for hours yesterday, and despite going home nearly empty handed, I did learn some invaluable lessons.

  • Do not walk into any store with a number or a fruit in the store name (Forever 21, Papaya, etc.). Stores like this carry skirts with hemlines so high that I’d have to introduce my pussy to people at parties: “Hi, I’m D. This is my pussy. We’re glad to meet you.” The clothes are cut for ‘tween sluts and working hookers.
  • At the mall, no one in lingerie boutiques or “intimate apparel” departments thinks that boob jokes are funny. I do not understand this. Perhaps the people there are forbidden to smile.
  • Humor is also forbidden. When I realized I was being watched by a waif sales girl at Victoria’s Secret after examining a pair of terribly over-priced panties for over five minutes, I smiled and explained, “I’m checking them for stretchy-ness.” She was not amused.
  • No one makes stilettos in wide-widths. I should have realized this.


  2 Responses to “Total Failure (or, Shopping Day 1)”

  1. Ha ha!! Very good observations! :)

  2. @Sara: It's all true! Words to live by!

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