My boy phoned yesterday and I didn’t pick up. I was so proud of myself for maintaining some guise of detachment, right up until the time I realized he wasn’t going to call again. He wrote later to tell me he would be home in a few days. I waited a few more hours and sent what I hope was a casual reply.
It’s times like these–when I’m feeling neglected, lonely, and subject to emotions I’m unable to control–that I dream of writing out a list of rules by hand and stapling it to his chest. I dream of hurting him because I am hurt. I dream of punishing him for violating guidelines I’ve never actually given him. But as an experienced sub, J should know better than to go out of town without telling me when he would return, right? Should that even need to be a rule?
Rules. Guidelines. Expectations. I know they’re different–a rule is different than a guideline and a guideline is different than an expectation–but do we need to discuss them all? Should “be nice” be a rule too? Or an expectation? Should I need to say that at all?
Fuck. I have no idea what I’m doing.
And I’m angry.
But, if I speak or act now, my emotions might betray me and I’ll be exposed for what I really am–a mass of raw nerves, insecurities, and fears of rejection, hiding in plain sight behind imposing heels and dark lipstick.
I’ll feel so much better when he is close to me, when he’s naked and bound. Only when he is exposed and helpless will I feel secure again.
I hate that.