Oct 182014

Today’s reader question comes from Tumblin’ Taylor of Tahoka, TX.

Want to ask a question? Use the contact form on the Q & A page.


Do you think there is a double standard for female/male submissives?
Male Doms (rightfully) explain in media (like tumblr) that the submission of a woman is a gift and a privilege (it is) but I don’t see that sentiment from Dommes towards male submissives. Or am I just being blinded by stereotypes or crappy representations of Domme/male sub relationship?

One question; three different topics: 1) double standards, 2) Tumblrs, and 3) submission a “gift.”

tumblr dom reblogsDouble Standards

I’m not sure “double standard” is the best language here, but I’ll go with it. Are there double standards? Fuck yes. There are gender-based AND role-based double standards all over the place…

But seeing ‘submission as a gift and a privilege’ isn’t one of them. In my experience (which is limited, but well-informed), male doms don’t value submission more than female dommes value submission, nor do maledoms value femsubs more than femdoms value malesubs. I suspect it’s an issue of representation more than of reality.

(See note on lifestyle D/s vs. professional D/s, and note on gender and role binaries… jesus… I’m longwinded as FUCK.)

Tumblr Dom/mes

Have you seen Tumblr? It’s not exactly a resource for thoughtful, nuanced discussions of D/s relationships, and it’s certainly not a repository for thought-provoking or complex visual representations of D/s roles.

I mean, that stuff exists on Tumblr, but honestly, the majority of D/s Tumblrs are porn, porn, more porn, a couple of attention whores, and a few porn collectors who know how to work the “reblog” and “favorite” buttons (without ever generating original content of their own, and without providing any thoughtful comment about others content).

There are some brilliant exceptions, of course, like Submissive Guy Comics. SGC posts original (mostly single panel), beautiful comics of dominants and submissives that span a broad spectrum of D/s emotions, activities, and styles (for lack of a better word).

But on the whole, learning about D/s relationships from Tumblr is only slightly better than learning about D/s relationships from porn. I have a hunch about the phenomenon you’re witnessing… but I won’t go into it here.

Anyway, don’t use Tumblr as any indication of what’s out there… unless you’re looking for porn.

Submission As a “Gift”

When it’s superimposed on an artistic black and white photo of a nekkid woman wearing a collar and kneeling, as a platitude, “submission is a gift” is about as useful as those inspirational posters of kittens hanging onto tree branches reminding us to “hang in there!”

hang in there BDSM posters

But, whatever… submission as a gift. Let’s go with it.

Sure, ideally, submission is a gift you give to someone who is worthy of receiving it. But so is dominance. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a submissive if I didn’t think he was worthy of what I have to offer — what I have to offer is dominance, along with the myriad other (and more important) things that make me who I am. Submission is a gift, and so is dominance, and so is love, and friendship… and a bunch of other stuff, too.

They’re gifts in the sense that they’re given and they’re valuable, but that’s where the similarities end. Submission and all that other stuff are unlike gifts in that they should be earned, they require constant, reciprocal effort, and they can be taken back


Tumblr sucks. Platitudes aren’t worth much. Complexity, depth, and reality are rarely communicated in reblogs.

“Just hangin'” by Paddy and Dushi, (2009). Work licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0).
“Ornate cyan bow for gift wrapping” by Christmas Stock Images. Work licensed under a Creative CommonsAttribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0).



On lifestyle D/s vs. professional D/s: For the record, my thoughts above refer to “lifestyle D/s” people — those who engage in D/s in their primary romantic/sexual relationships and those who engage in non-romantic play for sexual/physical/personal fulfillment (without the exchange of money or material gifts). I don’t include pro dommes, their clients, “fin dommes” (financial dominatrixes), or financial “slaves” in that statement. In my mind, those are more of a business arrangement than anything else (while business arrangements can bring other, non-material, forms of fulfillment, if it weren’t for the exchange of payment, they wouldn’t exist). I also exclude professionals because it would be impossible to compare gender-based differences here — male pro doms are rare and nearly invisible, and I’ve never actually heard of a male “fin dom.” [back to text]
On gender and role binaries: It’s important to acknowledge the question (and therefore, my response) is grounded in gender and role binaries that ignore the incredible diversity of people, genders, and roles. There are roles besides ‘dominant’ and ‘submissive,’, and more importantly, here are genders between, beyond, and outside of ‘male’ and ‘female.’ [back to text]
Oct 142014

To give my wrists an occasional break from the keyboard, sometimes I use speech recognition software — Dragon Dictation.

It’s pretty easy to use. I put on a bluetooth headset with a mic, I talk, and it types.

If I say “The presentation is done comma and I look forward to meeting with you on Friday exclamation point“, Dragon types “The presentation is done, and I look forward to meeting with you on Friday!”

It’s surprisingly accurate… most of the time. Today, I think it was just fucking with me.


“…exclamation point”
dd chat icon
excavation point
dragon chat icon
“scratch that”
“exclamation point”

dd chat icon
exhalation point
dragon chat icon
“scratch that”
“ex-cla-ma-tion point”

dd chat icon
exhilaration point
dragon chat icon
“fucking exclamation point”
dd chat icon
fun king exhumation point
dragon chat icon
“scratch that”
[deep breath]
“exclamation mark

dd chat icon
Russian mark
dragon chat icon
“scratch that”
exclamation mark”

dd chat icon
Russian fart
dragon chat icon


Related Reading: More Domme Problems

defective minionsdefective minions self-bondage failself-bondage fail corset tying failcorset tying fail


Oct 082014

Today’s reader question comes from Hopeful Husband from Mangled Metaphors, Massachusetts, who wants to be dominated by his wife.

My wife is vanilla and I wish to be dominated and feminized. I know this will be slow process. I am unable to express my desires and do not want to freak her out. Sexually I suck her toes, massage her body and give lots of oral. She is naturally somewhat dominant and feminine. I think she would enjoy more control.
Increasingly I am doing more around the house and trying to please her. I guess I just need to come and just say it. Or I should be the knight in shining armor and put up on a pedestal. Long term relationship and we are retired. Your thoughts are appreciated.

I really don’t know what to do with questions like these. I’m going to pull this one apart.

Oh, and before someone points out that I can’t possibly know all the details of Hopeful Husband’s relationship with his wife… yeah, I get that. I’m doing the best I can with the details I was given. If you’d like to file a complaint with our Feedback Department, click the little “X” on your browser tab and we’ll get back to you as soon as we can.

I am unable to express my desires and do not want to freak her out.

If you’re honestly unable to express your desires, I think you’re pretty much fucked. My hunch is that you are able — you’re just nervous. That’s understandable, but you’re going to have to find a way to discuss what you want because leading her to “dominance” any other way is dishonest (in my opinion).

I think she would enjoy more control.

Why? Why do you think she would enjoy more control? You can’t really know unless you ask her.

Increasingly I am doing more around the house and trying to please her.

Urgh! Why are you linking chores and pleasing your partner to being dominated and feminized? First, doing chores isn’t feminine — there’s no natural or biological link between being a woman and doing laundry (or whatever). Second, why aren’t you doing this stuff anyway? Sharing household responsibilities and being nice to your partner is part of being in a healthy relationship (and that goes for vanilla relationships and kinky ones).

I guess I just need to come and just say it.

Yes. You do need to come out and say it. Of course, you can be sensitive to her and measured in the way you present your desires, but at some point, you’re going to have to discuss it. When you do, be sure to give her some time to think about it listen to what she says when she responds. I get that you have kinky wants and desires, but you’re in a relationship, so this isn’t just about what you want/need.knight in shining armor on a pedastal

Or I should be the knight in shining armor and put [her] up on a pedestal.

Wow. That sentence is well over 50% metaphor, and neither of your metaphors work. First, unless your wife needs rescued, she doesn’t need a “knight in shining armor.” Second, “putting her on a pedestal” is a really shitty metaphor — your wife isn’t an object and you can’t put her wherever you want her.

If the context of your question was different, I’d be more inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that by “putting her on a pedestal” you meant that you intend to do things to make her happy… simply because you love her. But since you’re thinking of sneakily “encouraging” her into dominance because your cock told you to, I can’t give you the benefit of the doubt.

But even if I could, why the fuck is trying to make your wife happy only a recent goal for you?

Oh yeah… because you want something from her. Because cock. You have one… and it’s very important. Meh.

Acting/being submissive with the secret intention of turning your partner dominant is called “stealth submission.” There are people who advocate this as a means to “turn” a woman dominant, but I’m not a fan. With very few exceptions, I think it’s selfish and manipulative.

Of course, everyone is selfish and manipulative to varying degrees, and there are reasonable, understandable, and ethical ways to “change” a partner’s behavior — like complementing her cooking to encourage her to cook more often, or asking him directly to take responsibility for the laundry. But trying to push your wife into dominating and feminizing you without talking about it with her is just too much. You’re not nudging her to take out the trash more often — what you want sounds like a major change in your relationship roles and expression/practice of sexuality. That’s something you need to talk to about… together. Tricking her into fulfilling your fantasies — even by being extra nice — isn’t likely to work, and even if it does, it’s dishonest, manipulative, and selfish.

So, talk to her.

Presumably, if you’re in a long term relationship, part of what has enabled you to stay together is a commitment to fulfilling each others needs. Hopefully, that means she’ll be open to discussing your fantasies and willing to indulge you (better yet, she might be into it!).

You won’t know unless you ask.


Related Reading: How to turn your wife into your Domme

how to get your wife to dominate youHow do I get my wife to dominate me? let your wife dominate youWant her to be dominant? Let her lead. domestic service is bullshitOn “domestic service” and why it’s bullshit.


Oct 022014

Tonight, I will finish off the last of the vodka from the last bottle J brought with him the last time he was here. It wasn’t the last time I saw him, but it was the last time he was here. It was the last time we were us.

If you repeat the word “last” over and over again, it starts to lose its meaning. At some point, it stops sounding like a word at all, and instead, it sounds a lot like nonsense.

J and I had a lot of lasts. We had too many lasts.

I said goodbye too many times — in practice and in my heart. Each and every time I hated it, not because it was inevitable, but because I couldn’t manage to do it right. I wanted to be profound, or sweet, or wise, or strong… but I wasn’t.

I wasn’t any of those things. I had too many opportunities, but I couldn’t manage to be any of those things… over and over again.

J is gone.

He’s been gone for some time. He left more than a month ago. I haven’t said as much directly, not because I can’t say it or because I don’t want to say it, but because I’m not sure what to say after I’ve said it.

J is gone.

I said it.

And now I don’t know what to say.

I don’t know what I should drink to when I finish off the last of the vodka from the last of the bottles J brought with him the last time he was here… the last time we were us.

Cheers… to sharing the bottle alone.

Cheers… to love and loss and all of the beautiful ugly in-betweens.