Sep 272014

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the model is flawed. It’s a working theory.

I suppose I’ll present it at the next meeting of Feminists Eradicating Mansplaining Conference for Understanding Nonsensical Taxonomies (FEM-CUNT) and see what the sisterhood has to say.

taxonomy of mansplainers

Sep 252014

age of the ideal woman according to menI suspect that because I’m older, I’m noticing more and more ‘casual sexism,’ and because I’m wiser, I’m less inclined to shrug it off.

At 33 years old, I’m closer to my 20s than I am to my 40s, but I’m still a decade beyond the magical 20-22 year old sweet spot when men of all most ages find a woman most attractive[1]. Christian Rudder, OKCupid co-founder, rabid data collector, and spreadsheet nerd found that up until age 40, women find men most attractive when they were roughly the same age (as the woman). Men between the ages of 20-50, on the other hand, find 20-22 year old women most attractive. When a man is 20, he finds a 20 year old woman most attractive. When a man is 50, he finds a 22 year old woman most attractive[2].

When I was in that sweet spot, I could shrug off casual sexism (particularly in the workplace) because of the facts: I was a novice in my career field, I wasn’t confident or assertive, and more than all of that… I was fucking hot. I was the kind of hot where it was almost excusable (or at least, understandable) when people assumed I got where I was because of my looks, or when people assumed I was just a pretty face without two brain cells to rub together.

Of course, it isn’t excusable, nor was it ever, but it was almost understandable. Almost.

But now I’m older, wiser, and far more established in my career (but still pretty hot). With age, wisdom, and experience has come intermittent confidence and occasional episodes of assertiveness. The confidence is present more often than the assertiveness — I’ve learned to pick my battles.

And also, with the age, wisdom, and experience has come… well… age. While I’m more confident in my skin, that skin is showing fine lines and the effects of too much work, not enough sleep, and more stress than I’ve known how to handle. I’m not a young thing anymore.

And that’s why, I think, “casual” sexism irks me more than it used to. I notice it more often (I’m not a sex object anymore… why don’t the menz listen to me?), it frustrates me more often (yes, I have breasts… now listen to the words coming out of my mouth), and it angers me more than it should (*tiny rage fists*). Perhaps its because “casual” sexism has obvious material and emotional consequences, ones that are more meaningful now that I’m fighting to make a name for myself in a boy’s club firmly entrenched in a man’s world.

I see it when it happens to me, and I deal with it well enough. I speak up when I can, when it’s worth it, and when I’m able (which is far too infrequently). When it happens to the young women I mentor, it absolutely destroys me — they don’t notice it, or they shrug it off, or otherwise silently deal with it… the same way I did more than ten years ago. They’re okay for now, but I know it will take its toll on them too… and it breaks my heart.

Anyway, speaking of sexism… I submitted to a new Tumblr — Taxonomy of Mansplainers — it’s both hilarious and sad. My submission is copied below[3] (the “he” is a senior colleague at my company).

Woman Interrupted (By a Man who Mansplains Interruption)

During a meeting about combating casual sexism in the workplace, he interrupts me when I suggest that men should be careful not to interrupt women when they’re speaking because it demonstrates lack of respect…

He talks over me — essentially saying what I just said (or what I almost said) — to enlighten the group about the sexism of talking over women when they’re speaking.

My eyes go wide as I search the room for confirmation that someone else (anybody else? anyone?!?!) also witnessed the sexist dumbfuckery I just endured… but there is nothing. Everyone around the mahogany table looks at him, nodding their agreement and their appreciation for his wisdom.

1. According to Dataclysm: Who We Are (When We Think No One’s Looking) by Christian Rudder, Random House, 2014.
2. Interview with Christian Rudder, “Online Dating Stats Reveal A ‘Dataclysm’ Of Telling Trends,” All Things Considered, NPR. Sept. 9, 2014.
3. Holy bad writing, Dumb Domme. My “Taxonomy” submission is what happens when I don’t sit on posts for days, fuck around with language, tinker with words, and edit like a motherfucker. Sometimes I think I’m a good writer, but then I realize that I just work hard at it and care far more than I should…
Sep 202014

Reader Questions: Squeaky Sneezes and Monkey Buttsex

Today’s reader questions are fucking ridiculous… and I love them.

mouse next to box of tissues

Any advice for rats with mycoplasma?

Teeny tiny tissues for all the squeaky sneezes.

Or maybe an owl.

Are you hungry?

I’m sorry… I think you have me confused with a mere mortal. I can go long stretches without food, sleep, or human contact. I’m superhuman… or a camel.

What makes a person rich?

Money. Passion… and the opportunity to act on it. Passion for work, for life, for another person, music, exercise, books… whatever keeps your brain humming and your heart happy.

Also, money.

What does true friendship mean to you??

A true friend not only helps you bury the body, but also helps you do whatever needs doing that results in the need to bury it.

Tamarin monkeys with caption. Monkey 1: Prepare for buttsex!! Monkey 2: Wait... what? (Quelle horror!!)

What does it mean when a tamarin approaches from the rear and encircles another tamarin’s waist with both arms?

I’m not acquainted with tamarins, but I do have some experience with tamarinds.

If your tamarinds are exhibiting animal behaviors, I strongly suggest you cut down the tree immediately and burn some sage or something to get rid of whatever dark magic worked to make that happen.

As for tamarins, I can only assume it’s either a monkey Heimlich maneuver or monkey-style buttsex.

composite based on “Мышь” (Mouse) by George Shuklin. Work licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 1.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 1.0).
Sep 152014

In all of my adult life, I’ve never taken a vacation. I don’t have much desire to travel and little need to ‘get away’ — it’s not for lack of time, ability, or funds, but because I’m happy where I am.

The only break I’ve ever wanted is from myself, and since that’s not possible, I’ve done my best to construct a life I enjoy inhabiting.

airplaneI’m good at what I do, and most of the time, I find it deeply satisfying. I’ve reached the point where I’m comfortable enough in my own skin (despite its flaws) and I’ve learned how to live within the confines of my own head (despite its activity and disorder).

I live a stone’s throw from the beach and the city, on the thin margin between that’s home to a vibrant arts scene, amazing café con leche, and so many fresh starts and bitter endings that make for creativity, good music, and great conversation.

I love my life — what it is, where it is, and (mostly) who I am within it.


But lately I’ve been dreaming about leaving here and taking him with me.

I’ve been shopping for flights I’ll never take, assessing amenities of lodgings where I’ll never stay, and day dreaming of cities I’ll never see.

What would he have done if I made the arrangements and told him to get in the car? What would he have done if I drove us to the airport and told him to get our bags from the trunk? What would he have done I took his hand and asked him to get on the plane with me?

What would I have done if he refused?


Leaving Town
Dexter Freebish

Oh your reputation’s so golden
You’re never lonely and you’re never home
I know you’ve been talking about leaving
You’ve lost all your feeling for this town

Paint your nails and put on your lipstick
You don’t wanna miss your ticket out
Just because you graduate from school
So high in the gene pool, that’s your point of view

But when you’re broken down
And no one else is around
You’ll come running back to this town
And I’ll be there, yeah, I’ll be there

‘Cause I remember how we drank time together
And how you used to say that the stars are forever
And daydreamed about how to make your life better
By leaving town, leaving town

Pack your bags, your smokes in your pocket
You’re wearing my locket around your neck
Take a drag and wait for the greyhound
The world is your playground and you wanna win


image based on “airplane-309386″ by Nemo. Work has been placed in the Public Domain under Creative Commons CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication (CC0 1.0).
Sep 112014

Today’s reader question comes from Experienced Edgar
from Great Expectations, Illinois.

You know you can ask me anything, right?
That doesn’t mean you should ask me anything… but you totally can.

I am a male slave with a fair bit of experience. I met a girl on Friday last, and when I dropped her off, she mentioned something about kink. That immediately triggered my interest, but I left it at that and left.
The whole week while chatting, I brought the subject up and she seems quite keen but has no experience. I offered to do all her house chores on Saturday and she accepted.
I am now quite nervous as what to expect and how to handle the situation. If I can be helped with my approach and protocol I will be so grateful as it’s now a different situation where I will be the slave and she the novice wannabe Mistress.
Thank you so much for the opportunity to ask.

What should you expect?

You should expect to do her house chores.

How should you handle the situation?

You should handle the situation with a vacuum cleaner, a mop and bucket, a feather duster, and a toilet brush. You should handle it by doing exactly what you offered… without having expectations for anything more.

If she accepted your offer to do housework and there was no explicit mention of reciprocation (of any form), then you shouldn’t expect reciprocation (of any form, besides a “thank you,” because that’s just good manners). If she didn’t suggest anything kinky, sexual, or D/s,  you shouldn’t expect any. Also, keep in mind that while you may find doing a woman’s housework kinky, she may not. I’ve never been turned on by a man’s “domestic service,” and there’s a good chance she won’t get all hot and bothered when you dust knick-knacks either (that’s not a euphemism). She’s under no obligation to indulge your kinks any more than what you offered and she agreed to.


Beyond folding linens, washing dishes, and scrubbing floors…

She might be curious about kink, but without any experience or exposure, she may not have any idea what that means or what she’s interested in. At this point, you don’t even know if she’s dominant, submissive, switchy, or entirely vanilla… and there’s a good chance she doesn’t know either. (You shouldn’t assume… and neither should she.)

So, you could ask her what she’s interested in, but don’t expect much of a response. You’ve only known each other for a week — she might not feel comfortable sharing the specifics of her curiosity with you at this early stage.

If you ask and she seems amenable to sharing her thoughts, but she’s unsure of what she might interest her, you could point her to some online introductory/informational resources. (By informational, I mean not porn.)

If she reads, is still interested, and wants more, she can ask you or find it on her own.

Just don’t push her and don’t assume she’s dominant. She might not be. And keep in mind that she may have mentioned kink offhandedly, and then expressed an interest because she likes you. Of course, she may just be interested in having someone clean her house.

Regardless of the situation, keep your expectations low. If you lower your expectations, there’s less chance you’ll be disappointed and less chance you’ll push her into something she’s either not interested in or not ready for.

Advice on Approach and Protocol

For the time being, your only concern should be approaches to and protocols for house cleaning. Dust before vacuuming, vacuum before mopping, and if you really want to impress her, use newspapers instead of paper towels for cleaning windows and mirrors for a totally streak free shine.

You’re welcome. :)

(…and good luck!)