Nov 212014

10 things I realized later in life than I should have.
(in no particular order)

  1. We are not “human beans”mannequin is not an acceptable career choice
  2. If I have the presence of mind to compensate for my physiological tell, I am an excellent liar.
  3. “Mannequin” is not an acceptable career choice.
  4. I have terrible rhythm.
  5. There is no “statue of limitations.”
  6. People rarely care (or love, or hate) as much as I think they do.
  7. I throw a wicked left hook.
  8. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you try or how much you love something. Sometimes being good at it is all that matters.
  9. Despite what my mother told me, I am not the prettiest, smartest, most talented little girl in the whole wide world.
  10. Jeff Bridges and Jeff Daniels are two different actors.

“High key mannequin” by Ingo Bernhardt, (2011). Work licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0). [deviation from original: rainbow gradient overlay]
Nov 162014

Throughout our relationship, I was diligent about never asking J for things he wouldn’t do, or couldn’t do. I never asked him to put me above his work, his dreams, or his plans — not even in small ways. I never called on him in such a way that he was forced to choose between what he should do, what he needed to do, and what I wanted him to do. It’s not that I never needed him — I did — I just never asked.

In part, it’s because I never wanted to put him in that position, and in part, it’s because I hate hearing no.’ To me, ‘no’ sounds like rejection, and in my head, it negates things that had nothing to do with whatever-it-is that was asked for.

But I should have.

I should have asked for more.

That realization came to me four months ago just past 2am on a unkempt two lane highway that cuts across the state, halfway between his place and mine.

I spent the prior months in as much blissful denial and sugar-coated idealism as I could maintain. (For the record, my idealism was for the future, not the present.) There was some anger here and there, but it was managed well-enough… because we still had more time. I still had little, happy things to look forward to and small comforts to wrap myself in.

But then I realized I was running out of both.

There was no more time and nothing to look forward to, and then there were no small comforts left.

I had no idea what I intended to say to J that night, but I knew I should have asked for more.

More love? More attention? More reassurance? More time…?

It didn’t matter — he had none left to give. I don’t feel bad for having wanted it, but I would have felt awful if I had asked… because I hate asking, but mostly, because I hate hearing “no.”


Nov 152014
(Habits) Stay High, Tove Lo
You’re gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I’m missing you


Nov 102014

Bears, Boilers, Babygirls, Biology, and Board Games

Today’s reader questions are brought to you by the letter “B.”

bear over double boiler

Could you make me a chocolate teddy bear please?

FFS. Now is not the time for ambiguity! Do you want me to make you a chocolate teddy bear? Or make you into a chocolate teddy bear? By chocolate, do you mean a flavor? Or a color? I can’t possibly help you if you don’t give me all the information.

Since your question is wide open for interpretation, I’m going to have to use my judgment. Go sit in a double boiler and wait for me there.

What is a “babygirl” sex role?

“Baby Girl” is a sex position, not a sex role. It’s when you sit in a pink high chair, wear a bib, and eat strained peas while your partner fucks you with a binky.

I’m fairly sure it’s a relationship role, or a role in a BDSM dynamic. It’s sorta squicky to me, so it’s not something I’m familiar with… so, maybe, ask someone who is into it. Or maybe, just fucking Google it.

If I was your endoplasmic reticulum how would you like me? Rough or smooth?

endoplasmic reticulum meme

Hmmmm… since sperm cells are one of only two types of eukaryotic cells that don’t have an endoplasmic reticulum… Are you trying to tell me you’re firing blanks?

Or you just couldn’t come up with anything else to ask? That big empty contact form is just too fucking tempting not to type something into, isn’t it? If you must, you could always ask me an actual question — I don’t mind silly questions (sometimes I enjoy them), but a middle school biology joke? A meme? You seriously couldn’t come up with anything better?

You know you don’t have put anything in the comment box, right? (especially if it’s stupid shit I can’t do anything with.) The easiest way to avoid sending me stupid shit is to think of something really fucking stupid you could send me… and then don’t send it.

Would you describe a long-term femdom relationship as similar to the game Go, in your expert opinion?

I don’t play games.

Oooh… that sounds a little sexy, doesn’t it? Imagine me meeting your eyes, and using my best sexy domme voice… ‘I don’t play games…’ HOT.

Anyway, I don’t play board games or party games, and I’m not familiar with Go. But, if I had to say, femdom might be a little like Cards Against Humanity, which I’ve never played… but it looks like an interesting way to spend an evening. Players have to do what’s on the cards, right? ;)

Femdom Like Cards Against Humanity

“Bain-marie” by Antoinel, (2005). Work licensed under Creative Commons: CC BY-SA 3.0.
“Newer teddy bear” (2013). file is ineligible for copyright and therefore in the public domain.
“Smooth or Rough meme,” from
Nov 062014

Yesterday over on Malflic, Alice King — who does not identify as a feminist — posted A Females Perspective on Extreme Feminists. In it, she offers criticisms of feminism, and more specifically, “the feminist movement.” She addresses feminism as if it’s a singular, unified, coherent monolith with agreed upon goals, approaches, and beliefs, most of which are extreme, anti-male, and completely counter to what most feminists endorse. She also discusses the need for gender bias in certain professions and her concerns over men’s rights and false rape allegations.

I appreciate that Alice invites discussion, despite her allusion to past negative experiences discussing such matters: “It amazes me that those with differing views can not or will not debate it. It always just goes to name calling and how could I not stand up for women’s right.”

I accept the challenge. :) I disagree with Alice on almost all of her points, I can debate it, and I will…. all without name calling.

In an effort to respond thoughtfully and fully, I’m going to respond her statements and arguments by topic.

(To the 3.5 readers who haven’t already tuned out, who are interested in this stuff, what’s after the jump is better than what comes before it. I organized the topics roughly in order of importance (to me), but I also wanted to include a jump link to spare those readers who are annoyed when I post anything that isn’t fucking and failure.)

The Goals of Feminism and Feminists
Work Equality and Gender Bias
Rape, Teaching Men Not To Rape, and Women’s Accountability

On The Goals of Feminism and Feminists

I am in no way shape or form a feminist and I honestly find the feminist movement in its current form to be extreme and a detriment to what others have done in the past for women’s rights. Many will be wondering how I could think such a thing as others will automatically believe I have been brainwashed in some way by the men in my life. Sorry to tell you but just because I have a cunt does not mean I am feminist nor that I agree with any of the current goals of the feminist movement.

What is the “current form” of “the feminist movement” and what are its “current goals”? Your post opposes stances and goals that most feminists don’t actually endorse. It’s troubling when those opposed to feminism use the most extreme statements as a sort of all encompassing straw man stand-in for “feminism” in order to argue against it. While it’s probably easier to argue against a movement with a unified agenda, feminism is not that movement.

In reality, there is no singular, united feminist movement, nor one feminist agenda, nor one feminist goal. There are different strands and strains of feminism with different ideologies, beliefs, approaches, and goals. As with most broad, largely incohesive political/ideological umbrellas, some voices are louder than others. That’s a big part of the “feminist infighting” happening in media lately — we don’t all have the same views or goals, and unfortunately, the ones spouting more “extreme” views are those who shout the loudest (and of course, the loudest and most extreme views garner more attention than moderate ones).

I am not for this stance of women are the same as men. We are not and honestly if one wants to be a man then go for it. Stop trying to pigeon hole all women into every aspect of the world.

Most feminists do not believe, nor do they endorse, the idea that men and women are the same. They endorse equality, as in equal opportunity, equal treatment, and equal rights. Pigeon-holing implies the application of unfair or prescriptive roles, restrictions, and limitations, and that is something most feminisms oppose.

Seriously is this the ultimate end goal of feminists? To push society to the point that men are below them and fear for legal actions if they actually behave like men?

No, making men “less than” women isn’t the goal of feminism (certainly not the feminists I know or read), nor is making women “more than” men a goal of feminism. The goal is equality — a level playing field.

As for men fearing “legal actions if they actually behave like men,” what does that mean, exactly, to “behave like men”? Men are people and people behave in wildly different ways — some good ways, some bad ways, and some legally actionable ways. Good, bad, and criminal behaviors aren’t gendered.

Part of the trouble is the perceived naturalness and universality of gendered behaviors in general. Being enculturated to believe that men are (or should be) this way or that way hurts everyone — men, women, and those outside and between the gender binary.

This truly is a major turning point in our society as men are pushed to the corner and being made to feel inferior for even being a gentlemen. Sorry ladies you can’t have it both ways. One can not teach boys to be gentlemen and to have manners only to be later told they are rude and as women you do not need a door opened for you.

Even if there was one, singular, united feminist agenda, unwanted door opening would be pretty low on the list of things to fight against (if it was there at all). I can’t speak for all feminists, or any feminists but myself, but I don’t give a flying fuck about who does or does not open a door for me. I think opening and holding doors is polite — I’ve never stopped anyone from doing it, I’ve never been offended by it, and I do it for others all the time.

As for the more serious issues on various feminist agendas, I can speak to issues I am (and most feminists are) interested in. I am interested in workplace equality, not being dismissed or generally treated as “less than” my male colleagues. I’m interested in being and feeling safe, in ending street harassment,  public catcalls, unwanted commentary about my appearance, and threatening behavior; and I’m also interested in not being insulted or called names when I respond politely or when I don’t respond at all. I’m interested in my safety and bodily autonomy, in not being touched without my consent, in not being physically or sexually assaulted, and not being raped.

None of that has anything to do with making men feel inferior. My want for comfort, safety, and equality isn’t about diminishing men nor does it actually diminish men.

Continue reading »