Oct 272014
But as long as you hemorrhoidal gunt stains continue this asininity, [. . . .] it makes me want to pick you all up collectively and shake you until your rectum leaks out what little brains you have because YOU’RE SO FUCKING DUMB.

line-break-flourish-smChris KluweIt’s been too long since I last updated my celebrity crush list (though Rachel Maddow, Marc Maron, Henry Rollins, and Neil DeGrasse Tyson are still on it).

Today, Chris Kluwe — outspoken gay (equal) rights advocate, same sex marriage supporter, Voltaire fan, card carrying nerd, gamergate destroyer, and former punter for some American football team — has the high honor of making it onto my crush list. (Congratulations, Chris! You can pick up your award at my place… just ring the bell and drop your pants…)

After hearing him on Chris Hardwick’s Nerdist (#323) and Aisha Tyler’s Girl on Guy (#87) podcasts, I was impressed with Kluwe’s willingness to speak out about issues of gay (equal) rights and marriage equality as part of the NFL (and subsequently, speak up against censorship of his views). Undoubtedly, his outspokenness had something to do with his being released by the Minnesota Vikings (and his not being picked up by any other team, despite having a pretty good record of kicking footballs where they’re supposed to go).

Recently, Kluwe spoke out about gamergate in the most brilliant way — his article, “Why #Gamergaters Piss Me The F*** Off” on Medium is a thing of beauty. It’s not what he said that put him on my list, but the way he said it (okay… what he said was pretty great, too). He is, truly, a poet and a gentleman — I stand in awe and reverence at his mastery of the language I hold in high esteem.

A selection of his eloquence and brilliant wordsmithery…

You slopebrowed weaseldicks with zero reading comprehension and even less critical thinking skills who think an article claiming “Gamers are dead” is something bad? Fuck me sideways with a sandblaster.


But as long as you hemorrhoidal gunt stains continue this asininity, they won’t, and it makes me want to pick you all up collectively and shake you until your rectum leaks out what little brains you have because YOU’RE SO FUCKING DUMB.


Every time I see one of you slackjawed pickletits link me something like “I’m a moderate #Gamergate’r,” [. . .] it pisses me the fuck off because you are ruining something I enjoy.


I hope you all, every #Gamergater, picks up a debilitating case of genital warts.

And if you aren’t already swooning as hard as I am, here’s a Chris Kluwe bonus quote from his open letter to Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. (who wrote a letter to the Baltimore Ravens’ owner demanding he censor a Ravens player who expressed support for marriage equality:

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster.

middle, left: cover photo of Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies: On Myths, Morons, Free Speech, Football, and Assorted Absurdities by Chris Kluwe, Little, Brown & Company, 2013.
middle, right: photo of Chris Kluwe by Chris Kluwe, Lockerz.
bottom: “Chris Kluwe” for Out. Photography by David Bowman (2012), and styling by Brent Austin Coover. From by “Chris Kluwe: Kick Ass,” article by Cyd Zeigle, Oct. 2 2012.
Oct 252014

We ended badly.

Sort of. We didn’t end badly, but the ending was bad. I knew it would be emotional and unpleasant — and it was — but not for the reasons I anticipated. (I drunkenly wrote it out the night it happened, but I can’t bring myself to look at it just yet. I need to get my head on straight before I do that.)

J and I were okay for a while, I guess. We talked here and there, but neither of us said much of anything. It meant something to me that we were both still trying to keep some connection while we figured out what that connection might look like after everything changed.

I was (and still am) trying to figure out what my new normal might look like in this place where he used to be. He was (and is) making a new normal in a new place where I’ve never been.

For a while, I tried to untangle the anger and hurt from the sadness on my own, but I wasn’t doing so well with the untangling. (It’s a truly massive snarl.) I never doubted that I loved him (and do love him), but I wasn’t exactly throwing hearts and rainbows in his general direction.

Small talk was difficult. I didn’t want to pretend I wasn’t hurt or that everything was fine, but I didn’t want to share my snarl of emotions with him either, for a variety of reasons. It’s not J’s responsibility to untangle me, he probably couldn’t even if he tried, and more than any of that, I suspected he would respond defensively. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t get it.

J left me. I mean, I know he didn’t leave me. He left here. But I’m here, and when he left here, he left me too. J seems infinitely able to separate the two, but since he’s the one who left, I imagine he’s in a much better position to do so. Being the one that was left (or the one in the place that he left, whatever), it’s not so easily separated for me.

The more time that passes since the moment I last saw him, the more I’m absolutely sure there’s no way to ‘be left’ — even inevitably, knowingly, and amicably — with your head held high. Lowering one’s head is a necessity as you watch the person you love disappear over the horizon. J is on to new and better and different. I’m still here where he used to be.

It’s humbling, and being humbled isn’t something I enjoy.


Oct 242014

My “perfectionism” is debilitating, and it’s getting worse. There’s little to keep me from dwelling over every-fucking-little thing to the point it takes me exponentially more time to accomplish anything (everything). When I do, whatever-it-is is damn near perfect, but worth little. There was no reason for perfection because it wasn’t worth anything to begin with. A perfect nothing is still nothing.

I used to be able to work at a reasonable pace, even rushing through tasks that were trivial, mostly because I had other things to occupy my mind. I still do, but it’s sad stuff, confusing stuff that I’d prefer not to think about at all (we have no resolution at the moment — this isn’t the “new normal” for which I hoped). I had him to occupy my time, and though it was only on the weekends (if we were lucky), it was so fucking good for me to stop, breathe, and give my cluttered brain a rest.

I’m not perfect, and though that tendency has always been with me, for the past few years, I got a break every now and then.

Lately, I’ve had no break from myself (besides the nagging, frivolous imperfections that occupy my head), and there’s nothing on the horizon I’m looking forward as much as I looked forward to being with him.

I miss having something — someone — to look forward to.


Oct 182014

Today’s reader question comes from Tumblin’ Taylor of Tahoka, TX.

Want to ask a question? Use the contact form on the Q & A page.


Do you think there is a double standard for female/male submissives?
Male Doms (rightfully) explain in media (like tumblr) that the submission of a woman is a gift and a privilege (it is) but I don’t see that sentiment from Dommes towards male submissives. Or am I just being blinded by stereotypes or crappy representations of Domme/male sub relationship?

One question; three different topics: 1) double standards, 2) Tumblrs, and 3) submission a “gift.”

tumblr dom reblogsDouble Standards

I’m not sure “double standard” is the best language here, but I’ll go with it. Are there double standards? Fuck yes. There are gender-based AND role-based double standards all over the place…

But seeing ‘submission as a gift and a privilege’ isn’t one of them. In my experience (which is limited, but well-informed), male doms don’t value submission more than female dommes value submission, nor do maledoms value femsubs more than femdoms value malesubs. I suspect it’s an issue of representation more than of reality.

(See note on lifestyle D/s vs. professional D/s, and note on gender and role binaries… jesus… I’m longwinded as FUCK.)

Tumblr Dom/mes

Have you seen Tumblr? It’s not exactly a resource for thoughtful, nuanced discussions of D/s relationships, and it’s certainly not a repository for thought-provoking or complex visual representations of D/s roles.

I mean, that stuff exists on Tumblr, but honestly, the majority of D/s Tumblrs are porn, porn, more porn, a couple of attention whores, and a few porn collectors who know how to work the “reblog” and “favorite” buttons (without ever generating original content of their own, and without providing any thoughtful comment about others content).

There are some brilliant exceptions, of course, like Submissive Guy Comics. SGC posts original (mostly single panel), beautiful comics of dominants and submissives that span a broad spectrum of D/s emotions, activities, and styles (for lack of a better word).

But on the whole, learning about D/s relationships from Tumblr is only slightly better than learning about D/s relationships from porn. I have a hunch about the phenomenon you’re witnessing… but I won’t go into it here.

Anyway, don’t use Tumblr as any indication of what’s out there… unless you’re looking for porn.

Submission As a “Gift”

When it’s superimposed on an artistic black and white photo of a nekkid woman wearing a collar and kneeling, as a platitude, “submission is a gift” is about as useful as those inspirational posters of kittens hanging onto tree branches reminding us to “hang in there!”

hang in there BDSM posters

But, whatever… submission as a gift. Let’s go with it.

Sure, ideally, submission is a gift you give to someone who is worthy of receiving it. But so is dominance. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a submissive if I didn’t think he was worthy of what I have to offer — what I have to offer is dominance, along with the myriad other (and more important) things that make me who I am. Submission is a gift, and so is dominance, and so is love, and friendship… and a bunch of other stuff, too.

They’re gifts in the sense that they’re given and they’re valuable, but that’s where the similarities end. Submission and all that other stuff are unlike gifts in that they should be earned, they require constant, reciprocal effort, and they can be taken back


Tumblr sucks. Platitudes aren’t worth much. Complexity, depth, and reality are rarely communicated in reblogs.

“Just hangin'” by Paddy and Dushi, (2009). Work licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0).
“Ornate cyan bow for gift wrapping” by Christmas Stock Images. Work licensed under a Creative CommonsAttribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0).



On lifestyle D/s vs. professional D/s: For the record, my thoughts above refer to “lifestyle D/s” people — those who engage in D/s in their primary romantic/sexual relationships and those who engage in non-romantic play for sexual/physical/personal fulfillment (without the exchange of money or material gifts). I don’t include pro dommes, their clients, “fin dommes” (financial dominatrixes), or financial “slaves” in that statement. In my mind, those are more of a business arrangement than anything else (while business arrangements can bring other, non-material, forms of fulfillment, if it weren’t for the exchange of payment, they wouldn’t exist). I also exclude professionals because it would be impossible to compare gender-based differences here — male pro doms are rare and nearly invisible, and I’ve never actually heard of a male “fin dom.” [back to text]
On gender and role binaries: It’s important to acknowledge the question (and therefore, my response) is grounded in gender and role binaries that ignore the incredible diversity of people, genders, and roles. There are roles besides ‘dominant’ and ‘submissive,’, and more importantly, here are genders between, beyond, and outside of ‘male’ and ‘female.’ [back to text]
Oct 142014

To give my wrists an occasional break from the keyboard, sometimes I use speech recognition software — Dragon Dictation.

It’s pretty easy to use. I put on a bluetooth headset with a mic, I talk, and it types.

If I say “The presentation is done comma and I look forward to meeting with you on Friday exclamation point“, Dragon types “The presentation is done, and I look forward to meeting with you on Friday!”

It’s surprisingly accurate… most of the time. Today, I think it was just fucking with me.


“…exclamation point”
dd chat icon
excavation point
dragon chat icon
“scratch that”
“exclamation point”

dd chat icon
exhalation point
dragon chat icon
“scratch that”
“ex-cla-ma-tion point”

dd chat icon
exhilaration point
dragon chat icon
“fucking exclamation point”
dd chat icon
fun king exhumation point
dragon chat icon
“scratch that”
[deep breath]
“exclamation mark

dd chat icon
Russian mark
dragon chat icon
“scratch that”
exclamation mark”

dd chat icon
Russian fart
dragon chat icon


Related Reading: More Domme Problems

defective minionsdefective minions self-bondage failself-bondage fail corset tying failcorset tying fail